Adventures in Politics

I had the pleasure of shaking Senator Obama’s hand after tonight’s debate. I looked him in the eye and told him, “Senator, you’ve my vote.” Still shaking his hand I said, “I’ll vote for you because you know before he goes to bed, McCain cries about not being able to help everyone. You know Romney spends half his night praying, and you know Clinton spends half her night studying. You, though, I know as soon as you hit the sack, you’re gonna spend half your night making love to your wife. You’re one smooth motherfucker.”

“I am smooth. We’re going to ***** bar tonight. Join us.”

We went to ***** bar and I stood in line. “Come on, frank.” I walked to the door and the door man stopped me. “He’s with me,” said the senator, but the door man didn’t move. “Do you know who I am? Look at my face.” The door man let me in.

Smooth.

Inside: “What will you drink?”

“Umm, a Holden Caulfield, please.”

“May I have a vodka rocks and a Holden Caulfield please,” asked the senator.

“What’s a Holden Caulfield?”

“What’s a Holden Caulfield, frank?”

“Well scotch and soda.”

“That’ll be 23 dollars,” said the bartender.

“Do you know who I am? Look at this.” He showed him a membership card: Member: 109th, 110th Congress. Our drinks were free. He left a c-note tip. Smooth.

We chatted it up for fifteen minutes about immigration reform, universal health care, and Denmark when he noticed a blond eyeing me.

“Go talk to her,” he said.

“Nah, I’m shy.”

“Talk to her and take her this.” It was a mandarin vodka rocks. I was struck with an elegiac pang but walked up to her.

“This is for you.” We talked for fifteen minutes about immigration reform, universal health care, and Denmark before some chump bumped into me and me into her drink into her. “Forgive me,” I said.

“It’s okay, they’ve got it.” It was two guys in black-on-white suits and shades. Shades in a bar. Cool. Not really.

They talked into their wrists and pulled her away.

Senator Obama came up: “Do you know who I am?”

“Oh, hello Senator,” she said.

“Oh, hey Chelsea. This is my friend. He’s voting for me.”

“Oh really?” She began walking away again.

“No, I’m kidding. He’s voting for your mother.”

“Good,” she said with a smile and stayed to talk. The Senator smiled and winked to me and to the penguin suits before walking off to the bar to order another vodka rocks. What a smooth motherfucker.