Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Anniversary Party

So the one year anniversary of this bitch is coming quick. It came so quick I didn’t even realize it. Now I know how my sexual partners feel. Nah, I’m kidding, I’m as flaccid as a half-filled water balloon.

Anyway, to celebrate I’m throwing a party at my place. I’m gonna have grab bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a 2/3-full bottle of 7up.

Lucky for you all, the anniversary lands on October 4th, a Saturday. This means that there’s no work the next day and we can stay up as late as we want watching Saturday Night Live on my bed. I’ll be on the computer watching porn, but you guys can eat my Cheetos and drink my 7up on my bed. Just bring your own fucking napkins. I don’t want any Cheeto residue staining my bed. Make sure they’re moist napkins because dry napkins don’t do shit against Cheeto dust fingers. I don’t need to be telling you this.

If you don’t bring your own moist napkins, I’m not letting you in.

Don’t RSVP, I’ll just expect people at my door that night.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

No Substance

Yeah, so I haven’t been posting with the same frequency. So what. Bite me. Just the women. Harder.


I’m kidding. The truth is that I’ve been slaving for two weeks hunched over my keyboard and wallowing in my filth trying my hardest to come up with something worth your time. I have pages and pages and pages (two) of words I’ve found unfit to post. Every time I write something and it’s not posted, an angel’s wings get clipped. Now you understand the enormous weight on my shoulders. Why would God do this to me! Why, God! Why!

You know what? This blog looks really bland. I mean, it’s white and there’s a glass. What the hell? Invisible powdered water? What was I thinking? Oh wait, hah! I’m so brilliant. I wish there were more color here.

There, now I’m happy. If you can help me add more color, leave me a comment. I expect no comments.