Romance

I'm no good at this romance stuff. I just can't get it right.

A couple of weeks ago I planned a romantic dinner with my woman. I made a salad (nicoise because she loves olives) and boeuf bourguignon that I spent all day braising. For dessert, I dropped my pants and exposed myself beside her face and she threw up. "What gives? Don't be such a prude," I said as I chased her down the street to her car.

The following week we were spooning on my bed watching When Harry Met Sally. I caressed her ear and neck with the softness of a feather as I took in lungfuls of her vanilla perfume. She turned around and I told her how beautiful she was and how much she meant to me.

"I feel the same way about you," she said gazing into me with her misty eyes.

"May I sodomize you?" I asked.

"Excuse me?"

"May I buttsex you?"

"What the hell!" She sounded confused so I pulled out some photos from under my pillow.

"This is me and some woman doing buttsex," I said. I don't think she appreciated the photos very much, or the fact that I was already naked. So she left.

I guess I'll never be any good at this wooing business.