Thursday, October 4, 2007




With what to fill this space? With what to find my place? I know! A story about the incredible sneezeless man. This isn’t just any incredible story, this is the prelude to his incredible death.

Alive, no man suffered more than this sneezeless man, for he was the only true sneezeless man. You see, all other sneezeless men pretended to never sneeze, but they would always be exposed as frauds during allergy season. Not this sneezeless man, though, he would never sneeze. He wouldn’t sneeze in public, he wouldn’t sneeze in private, he wouldn’t even sneeze when engulfed by black pepper monsters.

What of black pepper monsters? They were cloud-like beasts the size of bulls and with temperaments to match but only weighed five pounds. The incredible sneezeless man had amassed a great fortune battling black pepper monsters as he was the only one brave enough to approach them without a face mask or a nose clip. These black pepper monsters were the cause of the incredible sneezeless man’s incredible suffering. The only way to defeat black pepper monsters was to inhale them, and if you’ve ever had the displeasure of inhaling a few specks of black pepper you can imagine what it'd be like to inhale a black pepper monster. As you have probably already guessed, the incredible sneezeless man, unlike you and me, had never felt the satisfaction and relief of a sneeze, thus his incredible suffering.

Where did the black pepper monsters come from? Nobody knows, but its not important as they weren’t the cause of the incredible sneezeless man’s death. He died a tragic death. Let me explain. Following closely behind the incredible sneezeless man’s great fortune were greatly unincredible, green-stricken malevolents. None were more evil than his best friend, the forever-sneezing Dr. Ungregario. How these two became best friends is a story better left for another day, however, opposites attract and that is most certainly true for these two.

It was years that the forever-sneezing Dr. Ungregario had worked on his masterpiece: his forever-unsneezing machine. The night of the machine’s unveiling, the unveiling to the incredible sneezeless man, was a sad night. It was dark and the sliver-crested moon was weeping tears of loss. These tears fueled the already crying clouds which rained upon the almost dry but muddy moat surrounding the bad doctor’s mossy-stoned castle. The incredible sneezeless man felt no danger, no sense of ominous doom upon entering the forever-sneezing Dr. Ungregario’s dark and cave-like grotto. He walked through snakelike halls with disheveled red-rugged floors and time-torn tapestries towards the highest point of the castle where he was asked to be.

Upstairs, near the very top of the bell tower, behind the unopened, metal-fastened, heavy wooden doors, Dr. Ungregario, with his weak, frail, seemingly moldy hands raised the lever that activated his masterpiece and then picked up a recently sharpened knife that seemed perfect for carving out somebody’s sinus, an incredible man’s sinus. Approaching the final steps and feeling the vibrations of something genius through his feet, the incredible sneezeless man felt a great pity and sadness when he heard his friends sudden and unstopping sneezing. He waited in reflection then contemplation at the final step before his mind gave way to silence, before pushing against the door, before meeting his friend, before--.