Water?

"Oh, God, everything's going so wrong! I lost my job, I got into a car accident, my cat died!"

"Aw, man, I'm sorry to hear that." (Places a glass of water before the weeping friend.)

"What the hell do I want water for!"

I see this all the time. Someone's breaking down and spilling their guts, and their friend fetches a glass of water. Why? How does water make anyone feel better? What the hell is water going to do for you?

"I just thought that, you know, water might help."

"What! My fucking cat died!"

"I don't know. Aren't you thirsty?"

"Fuck thirst! Thirst is the least of my problems!"

What was the friend thinking? Is water going to get this guy's job back? Or fix his jalopy or steal him another cat?

"I'm sorry, man. I'm just trying to help."

"What the hell kind of help is this? It's fucking water!"

"It's pretty good water. I mean, it's not a cheap brand or anything."

"Is it Poseidon in a Bottle?"

"Bottled Poseidon? No, Invisible Powdered Water."

"That's cool." (Drinks water.)

Seriously, how much better does he expect to feel after dri--

"--I feel fucking fantastic!"

"You mean the water's helping?"

"Yes! Amazing!" (Answers his cell phone.) "Hello? My old job back? A raise? New car and cat?! Hell yes I'll take the position!"

"What happened?"

"You're a fucking genius, that's what happened! Good call on the water, man."

Hmm. Well, that's just confusing. I don't know how the hell that happened.

Water, man, drink it.