Breaking Blogger News!

What is this! A Blogger feature I’ve not seen before, a feature perhaps purloined? Purloined and downgraded it seems. I’ve seen better thefts performed by quadriplegics or the NY Times.

I’ve added the feature to this blog and adjusted it accordingly. Unfortunately, after this addition my bland blog has turned into a bland and ugly blog.

Seriously, check out those voting boxes beneath this entry. They’re crude and outdated. It’s like walking down the street and seeing Blogger wearing an expensive suit, a fitted shirt, shiny leather shoes, and parachute pants.

Is there no way to customize this feature (further)?

Seeking Guest Writers

That’s right, friends, I’m seeking guest writers. I’m looking for someone who’ll contribute to this blog for money. That’s right, I’ll pay you. I’ll pay you how I pay the street walkers who indulge me on occasion: with poems. That's right, poems.

You’d be surprised how often prostitutes will accept mediocre, drunken poetry as payment for fellatio. No, I guess it’s not that surprising. It’s only happened twice, and they were women I was dating at the time.

Anyway, potential guest writers, the ideal candidate will:

-Be attractive;

-Not be experiencing any financial hardships so as to accept poems or sexual favors as payment;

-Not outshine me and;

-Be witty and provocative.

Actually, be either witty or provocative for a writer with a combination of the two will surely outshine me. If that happens, you’re dead. You hear that, motherfucker? DEAD.

If interested, post relevant information as a comment and I’ll contact you within a minute of applying.

Chess

I used to be a goddam chess genius! My army brother taught me when I was eight and when he returned on leave a year later, I was the best player in the house—shit, I was the best player on the block! So you can imagine my surprise when all the Joe Nobodies who can barely type out sentences on Yahoo chess annihilate me.

You know, I’m starting to think my insidious fucking family let me win all those matches years ago. I’m starting to think that maybe I wasn’t so good after all. I bet if I played them again today, they’d kick my ass. Yeah, that must be it, or it’s all the inhalants I’ve been huffing.