Television Kills Brain Cells, Story at Eleven

I’m bummed. There’s hardly anything good on TV.

Have you seen the Food Network lately? It’s become the MTV of food. How many different food competitions can they air? Chili competitions, burger competitions, cake competitions! What is this?

They’ve resorted to putting contestants in cake and sculpture competitions through a gauntlet of stairs and bottomless pits like in The Golden Child in hopes that there will be a catastrophic cake collapse. I have an idea, how about putting together a team of ice sculptors and bomb squad agents to see who can most intricately and artistically sculpt their way into a bomb encased in ice. This will ensure an explosion, death, and higher ratings.

And what’s up with these ‘in search of’ shows? At their core these shows are about a team of slack-jawed fools chasing nothing. Look at In Search of the Lochness Monster. How about airing the show where you actually capture the beast? It doesn’t even have to be the Lochness Monster, a peculiar fish will suffice. I’d even be happy with a larger-than-average fish. It doesn’t even have to be freakishly enormous, a goldfish the size of my hand will do.

As far as I’m concerned, the best thing on television in recent years has been the Classic Arts Showcase, a show that encourages viewers to “go feast upon the buffet of arts in their community.” There are two things excitingly cool about this: one, it’s completely non profit and funded to run by founder Lloyd Rigler until at least 2022; and two, it’s something different.

I mean, I won’t be one of those viewers who’ll go out and feast upon the buffet of arts available in my community. First of all, I’m not that interested in the arts, and secondly, the buffet of arts in my community is either paintings of naked women on velvet hanging in bars, or graffiti. I’m just glad that there’s something novel airing. CAS is like a singular rose hidden in a field of rampant weeds.

I wish there were more stimulating and somewhat innovative shows on television. Something that would capture my attention and keep it like an iron trap, something like The Benefits of Champagne Enemas, or Talk Sex with Sue Johanson with Live Demonstrations and Donkey Shows and Also Instead of Sue Johanson it’s Scarlett Johansson. Yeah, that’d work just fine. Instead I have to deal with reality TV, wife swapping, and the Food Network teaching me how to chiffonade and make a roux every 30 minutes.

Where are the donkeys? Such is life.