Happy Thanksgiving!

Everyone knows that the only way to prove how thankful you are is by gorging yourself with food on Thanksgiving day, so that’s just what I did: eat.

The day started out slow enough. I didn’t have much, three tamales for breakfast and three for lunch. Dinner started out well, though. I sliced some turkey breast and set it on my plate next to the slice of ham and the mound of mashed potatoes. Delicious! Just delicious I tell you! So delicious I went for seconds. I pulled a leg off the turkey and had more ham and mashed potatoes. I ate with glee and went for thirds as soon as I cleared my plate. I tried pulling the other leg off the turkey but it wouldn’t come off, so I took the rest of the bird with me. I thought since I had the whole turkey, I may as well take the rest of the ham, right? Why submit my family to turkeyless ham? I had a turkey in one hand and a ham in the other when I got to the mashed potatoes, so I shoveled some into the turkey with the ham like a plow pushing snow into a turkcave. I sat at a table filled with disgusted grimaces. Thankless pigs.

I finished it all out of respect for the spirit of Thanksgiving and man was I stuffed. I was having difficulty breathing, not because of eating so much, but because of the jeroboam of wine I’d quaffed. It slowed my metabolic functions down a bit. Who knew a man could survive off thirteen heart beats a minute, eh? And could you believe that through that all, I still had room for a slice of pie? I think after my eighth slice my stomach burst like a water balloon filled with 35 pounds of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and wine—stupid, worthless food pouch.

I had some pretty bad heartburn by then and wanted some Tums. “Mgruhh. Mgruuuhh!” I grumbled to my family as I pointed sloppily to the delicious tablets. They retrieved the bottle with a comforting sense of urgency and I emptied its contents into my stomach. I felt a little better, but two handfuls of Tums isn’t going to sew a ruptured stomach back together, now is it!

Anyway, I’ll be alright, I just gotta sit for a while. What a successful feast, though. Now everyone knows how thankful I am.